Beginning Again

ecstasy

Note: I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, but I wanted to share it to be able to connect with others dealing with the discomfort of things ending and beginning – something we all know well.

Fiery flame,
oh burning heart,
will the sorrow ever end?

I cry,
I move,
I seek,
I uncover.

The sound of silence cloaks me in comfort
yet I am moved to tears –

To fear, to memories of embarrassment and loss.
Do you think this torture will end?

I am hungry
for life, for hope again,
for a deep trust in myself.

The journey has just begun anew
and though I am scared, and aggrieved beyond measure,
I will not be deterred by this fire.

I remember a time when
life flowed and I was positively sparkling with joy…

Though enfolded and encumbered in loss
I choose to not be afraid to begin again –
To peek around the newly opened door
and let the Light expose my curiosity.

For in this beginning
there is much love to be remembered,
goodness to be found,
new adventures to share,
and inside of all of it
there is the One:

Pulse beating,
life affirming,
treasure of my life and life itself.

And so it is with courage, determination, faith and love
that I will begin again.

May all of us find peace – a deep sense of satisfaction – as we begin again.

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Desert Musing

desert

Sometime ago when I wasn’t crying,
when the world as I knew it wasn’t falling apart,
I heard a voice say, “We are the champions, my friend.”

Okay, maybe it was actually the band Queen;
But aren’t we?

Like the heroes from stories and legends of time past,
we seek, we fall, we leave home for a new land of silence and insecurity.

We battle ourselves, lose ourselves, encounter darkness and demons of all kinds,
fall again and finally withdraw into stillness
to know that we are and to drink from the waters of life.

I have sought and Grace has provided genuine teachers and profound teachings for the journey home;
and still I reside in the desert.

Into Forever (with gratitude for those I love)

Cliff Jumping by Katie Moyle

So far away friends seem,
yet like a favorite pair of jeans the fit is always a comfy,
welcome sigh of relief.

One day – maybe today – when I am calm inside
and the sparkles of life shimmer up the spine and out of this heart again,
I will call them by name and they will be with me.

All of them simultaneously – a brood of strong babes (and some dudes)
and we will sing.
Yes, we will hold hands and sing.

They will know that I love them. There will never be another doubt.
Hurt feelings will lift and dissipate.
Our spirits will unite.

I will be there for them like never before.
It will be enough.
And they will know…

Long have I lived in shadow and fear,
but it is time for darkness to pass.

One bounding leap, a launch into the abyss – into light, into forever –
we will take together
and my friends will know they have always been with me.
One, two…

Pirates

Pirates have stolen my identity.

A world of chaos settles in,
a storm of my own creation.

The wind blows, the ropes creak, but I am at home on the sea.

Wind in my face, I am home on the sea.

Charm Con

Female power

As a teen I dream’d of things to come – a marvelous life for me.

A world so pretty, full of life, magic, art…

Many a man have I wooed discretely, indulgently… Wrongly?

Self-gratification was my quest and self-flagellation the reward.

I used to charm people… a bright star to dazzle them with. I could pull you in with the best.  Everyone liked me. It was easy. I was so afraid.

Now, I’m me. Quietly me. The best of me, I think.
I don’t make friends so easily, I’m not always on my mark in public;
But I don’t miss the game. And I don’t miss the fake charm.

Surprisingly I miss the excitement of seeming exiting – the high that comes from self-importance and others’ indulgence.

I still dream of big cities, little sky, high heels and big charm.
I also dream of mountains, a quiet mind, a silent heart,
a time and place when the burning, yearning excitement of things to come
rests.

Recently I have tried and succeeded and tried and succeeded only to relax my efforts.

There is a song inside me, a world I visit behind the noise, behind the words, behind the ever-cunning, ever-planning ego. Am I to live there? Is this my desire?

Can I be happy and confident without the empty buy-in of others who don’t really know me in the first place?

Bravery’s Heart Song

[a heart beats]

What it’s like to be me?
To be me, to be me

Who is this me that flows through me?
To see me, to be me

I speak with words that aren’t my own in a pitch too high for comfort.
To be me, to see me

Why can’t I be myself?
Believe me, conceive me

Each interaction, every glance:
A scared me, unsure me

Every day, another chance
To be me, so lovely

For God is with me every step
Aware of me, within me

[heart stops]

But what’ll it take to stop the ego?
How can I live within the Flow?
How can I accept        resistance?

[heart beats]

How can I help you to see you?
To be you, to see you

Who is this you that flows through you?
Know you, be you.

Speak with words that are your own in a voice from deep within.
Be you, know you.

How can you be yourself?
Like you, believe in you.

Each interaction, every glance:
A better you, a real you.

Every day, another chance
To be you, so brave and true.

Thoughts fly in, feelings fly out.
Let them be – merely energy.

A heart on fire will soon blow out.
Don’t be afraid, to let it be.

Shh, Listen.

You can do this.
We can do this.

Let it be.
Just let it be.

I can do this.
We can do this.

Let it be.
Let it be.

Let it be.
Let it be.

Let

it

be.

Glow

Suppose it wasn’t night and all the faeries weren’t hiding.
Suppose magic and miracles, rainbows and unicorns were commonplace.

Suppose you never had to leave Home – maybe not the one you grew up in, but the one you’ll return to…

And suppose no one was ever mean
and your fingertips never felt the sting of a flame.

A world where all is one, where darkness and light are the same
is where I would find you, where you would find me.

Heaven turns vastness into small bits of “reality” where people
think and feel and know…  that they think and feel and know.

It’s odd that we should forget our sacred beginnings when there’s so much light here, too.
Isn’t there a time, even once, that you witnessed a miracle?

A challenge to myself and the world:
Can we remember our sacred beginnings?
Can we remember the promise of one world, one people?

It is into darkness that God sends his champions.
We must remember this
for it is time to GLOW.

Daybreak

woodland sunrise

Buildings, flowers,
rolling hills of green;
nighttime sweeps the hours
to a brilliant yellow morning

Eyes see me – sort of
Ears hear me – sort of

We are not our thoughts;
We are not our feelings, entrapments, dark holes or excuses.

Heaven, that vast oasis,
is never anywhere other than here.

As day breaks
celestial bodies in the sky – planets, stars, comets, galaxies, debris – float about.
Children will go to school,
lovers will fight and re-unite,
kitties and puppies will wait for us to return home,
battles will be fought and won, or lost.

Whatever happens there is a world within that permeates and animates,
an inner divinity that knows no separation.

So, with a nod to the Sacred,
I’ll get up this morning with love in my heart,
brush teeth,
drink tea,
quiet the mind in silent devotion
and go to work in a building surrounded by dandelions.

“It is only through samsara that we find nirvana.” – Adyashanti quoting his teacher

Daisies

 

Painting by Andrew Atroshenko

Daises bloom
   but I am alone –
not really, but yes,
Alone

In God, Spirit, rays of sunshine I am cloaked
comforted by a blanket
   of stars, summer breezes and frozen push pops

To see me now
all grown up
   yet free-spirited  &  wild
Tame, but only momentarily –
only as the sun rises and just before the day grows long

I long for freedoms
   known within
glimpsed: a gypsy in the night
sacred, cool, mystical
a ghost-like apparition
   of love and seductive violins

In my dreams I dance, coin scarf on my hips
In other tongues I speak a throaty French
a dapper English
maybe even the language of flowers

Holding back has been my crutch
for a broken leg I never had
It was a way to fend off child taunts
and cruel people

But alas, I am a woman now
and the internal Editor has just been fired

My cats know me best, but not solely for long…

for tonight I’m dancing naked under a full moon
a goddess and her crown of
Daises