Glutened AGAIN with Celiac Disease

o-dawsons-creek-reunion-facebook

Anyone who’s known chronic illness knows it’s nothing easy to deal with.  Life’s fine one day, maybe you even feel on top of the world, but then, “Bam!”  You’re knocked down again with gusto, and you’re either forced to drag your butt out of bed and go to work, or lay down for the next who-knows-how-long.

I have never been officially diagnosed with Celiac Disease.  I was recently told by a doctor that I would need to begin eating gluten regularly for them to get an accurate result.  My thought:  he must have no clue how bad my life becomes or he would never suggest such a course of action.

This time I’ve been fortunate: I have a wonderful boyfriend who goes to the grocery store for me and cooks us allergen-free meals (thank you for being awesome, Kevin); I also have some time off over the holidays to sleep and lay on the couch. Thank goodness!

To fill in this picture, I must explain that gluten is not my only allergy or health issue.  Thanks to Leaky Gut Syndrome, I’ve also been diagnosed (by a blood test) with allergies to dairy, eggs, beans, ginger, coffee, quinoa, stevia, nitrates/nitrites, etc.

Anyone with intestinal issues is probably familiar with Leaky Gut, but if you’re not it’s helpful to know that it is characterized by tiny holes in your intestinal lining that allow small bits of food into your bloodstream which your body then attacks as foreign invaders – hence the additional food allergies that can come with Leaky Gut.

I’ve found that when I’m “glutened” (when I accidentally consume gluten), I not only have awful symptoms from eating gluten, such as severe fatigue, brain fog, abdominal pain, anxiety (yes, anxiety!), slurred speech, bloating, constipation, etc. On top of all that I often seem to develop Leaky Gut and Candida Overgrowth (an overabundance of yeast) at the same time.  So not only am I sick from the gluten, but my immune system is on high alert with any food intake and I have to avoid as much sugar – even natural sugar – as possible to not feed the yeast that so quickly populate my gut due to the imbalance in my intestinal health. Furthermore, sometimes it takes me MONTHS to feel healthy again.  Months!  Ugh.  I’m sure some of you know my pain.  And if so, I am so sorry!

To heal as quickly as possible in times like these I have to eat an anti-inflammatory, allergen-free, low-sugar diet that typically consists of bone broth, cooked (and sometimes raw) veggies, NO grains, occasional low sugar fruit, fish and tea.  OMG – this sucks!

HOWEVER, I am deeply grateful that after having been gluten free for 12 years that I am privileged to know what good health is and how to find it without prescription medication.  I am so grateful that I’ve found natural ways of taking care of and healing my body:  making good food choices, visiting affordable community acupuncture clinics, giving self massage and stretching, meditation, sleep, and being surrounded by positive people and things (my cat – LOL – is in fact a huge help).

That said, this is such a pain in the a**!!!  I can’t believe I’m sick AGAIN.  And I would love to feel better, like now.  I keep sending my body love and light, thanking it for taking such good care of me, and imagining that the illness is lifting from my body easily, gently and quickly.  I pray that it is so.

In the meantime, I’m posting this blog in case anyone out there deals with chronic disease and wants to chime in.  It’s always so nice to know that I’m not alone and we’re not alone.

So, do you struggle with illness or disability?  Perhaps it’s something that most people don’t even know you deal with… If so, I’d love to hear what you’re dealing with and how you keep your chin up when it can take so long to feel better.  Please add your comments below.

Thanks for reading and sharing!

With love, Kimberly

Beginning Again

ecstasy

Note: I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, but I wanted to share it to be able to connect with others dealing with the discomfort of things ending and beginning – something we all know well.

Fiery flame,
oh burning heart,
will the sorrow ever end?

I cry,
I move,
I seek,
I uncover.

The sound of silence cloaks me in comfort
yet I am moved to tears –

To fear, to memories of embarrassment and loss.
Do you think this torture will end?

I am hungry
for life, for hope again,
for a deep trust in myself.

The journey has just begun anew
and though I am scared, and aggrieved beyond measure,
I will not be deterred by this fire.

I remember a time when
life flowed and I was positively sparkling with joy…

Though enfolded and encumbered in loss
I choose to not be afraid to begin again –
To peek around the newly opened door
and let the Light expose my curiosity.

For in this beginning
there is much love to be remembered,
goodness to be found,
new adventures to share,
and inside of all of it
there is the One:

Pulse beating,
life affirming,
treasure of my life and life itself.

And so it is with courage, determination, faith and love
that I will begin again.

May all of us find peace – a deep sense of satisfaction – as we begin again.

Desert Musing

desert

Sometime ago when I wasn’t crying,
when the world as I knew it wasn’t falling apart,
I heard a voice say, “We are the champions, my friend.”

Okay, maybe it was actually the band Queen;
But aren’t we?

Like the heroes from stories and legends of time past,
we seek, we fall, we leave home for a new land of silence and insecurity.

We battle ourselves, lose ourselves, encounter darkness and demons of all kinds,
fall again and finally withdraw into stillness
to know that we are and to drink from the waters of life.

I have sought and Grace has provided genuine teachers and profound teachings for the journey home;
and still I reside in the desert.

Into Forever (with gratitude for those I love)

Cliff Jumping by Katie Moyle

So far away friends seem,
yet like a favorite pair of jeans the fit is always a comfy,
welcome sigh of relief.

One day – maybe today – when I am calm inside
and the sparkles of life shimmer up the spine and out of this heart again,
I will call them by name and they will be with me.

All of them simultaneously – a brood of strong babes (and some dudes)
and we will sing.
Yes, we will hold hands and sing.

They will know that I love them. There will never be another doubt.
Hurt feelings will lift and dissipate.
Our spirits will unite.

I will be there for them like never before.
It will be enough.
And they will know…

Long have I lived in shadow and fear,
but it is time for darkness to pass.

One bounding leap, a launch into the abyss – into light, into forever –
we will take together
and my friends will know they have always been with me.
One, two…

Pirates

Pirates have stolen my identity.

A world of chaos settles in,
a storm of my own creation.

The wind blows, the ropes creak, but I am at home on the sea.

Wind in my face, I am home on the sea.

Charm Con

Female power

As a teen I dream’d of things to come – a marvelous life for me.

A world so pretty, full of life, magic, art…

Many a man have I wooed discretely, indulgently… Wrongly?

Self-gratification was my quest and self-flagellation the reward.

I used to charm people… a bright star to dazzle them with. I could pull you in with the best.  Everyone liked me. It was easy. I was so afraid.

Now, I’m me. Quietly me. The best of me, I think.
I don’t make friends so easily, I’m not always on my mark in public;
But I don’t miss the game. And I don’t miss the fake charm.

Surprisingly I miss the excitement of seeming exiting – the high that comes from self-importance and others’ indulgence.

I still dream of big cities, little sky, high heels and big charm.
I also dream of mountains, a quiet mind, a silent heart,
a time and place when the burning, yearning excitement of things to come
rests.

Recently I have tried and succeeded and tried and succeeded only to relax my efforts.

There is a song inside me, a world I visit behind the noise, behind the words, behind the ever-cunning, ever-planning ego. Am I to live there? Is this my desire?

Can I be happy and confident without the empty buy-in of others who don’t really know me in the first place?

Bravery’s Heart Song

[a heart beats]

What it’s like to be me?
To be me, to be me

Who is this me that flows through me?
To see me, to be me

I speak with words that aren’t my own in a pitch too high for comfort.
To be me, to see me

Why can’t I be myself?
Believe me, conceive me

Each interaction, every glance:
A scared me, unsure me

Every day, another chance
To be me, so lovely

For God is with me every step
Aware of me, within me

[heart stops]

But what’ll it take to stop the ego?
How can I live within the Flow?
How can I accept        resistance?

[heart beats]

How can I help you to see you?
To be you, to see you

Who is this you that flows through you?
Know you, be you.

Speak with words that are your own in a voice from deep within.
Be you, know you.

How can you be yourself?
Like you, believe in you.

Each interaction, every glance:
A better you, a real you.

Every day, another chance
To be you, so brave and true.

Thoughts fly in, feelings fly out.
Let them be – merely energy.

A heart on fire will soon blow out.
Don’t be afraid, to let it be.

Shh, Listen.

You can do this.
We can do this.

Let it be.
Just let it be.

I can do this.
We can do this.

Let it be.
Let it be.

Let it be.
Let it be.

Let

it

be.

Glow

Suppose it wasn’t night and all the faeries weren’t hiding.
Suppose magic and miracles, rainbows and unicorns were commonplace.

Suppose you never had to leave Home – maybe not the one you grew up in, but the one you’ll return to…

And suppose no one was ever mean
and your fingertips never felt the sting of a flame.

A world where all is one, where darkness and light are the same
is where I would find you, where you would find me.

Heaven turns vastness into small bits of “reality” where people
think and feel and know…  that they think and feel and know.

It’s odd that we should forget our sacred beginnings when there’s so much light here, too.
Isn’t there a time, even once, that you witnessed a miracle?

A challenge to myself and the world:
Can we remember our sacred beginnings?
Can we remember the promise of one world, one people?

It is into darkness that God sends his champions.
We must remember this
for it is time to GLOW.

Daybreak

woodland sunrise

Buildings, flowers,
rolling hills of green;
nighttime sweeps the hours
to a brilliant yellow morning

Eyes see me – sort of
Ears hear me – sort of

We are not our thoughts;
We are not our feelings, entrapments, dark holes or excuses.

Heaven, that vast oasis,
is never anywhere other than here.

As day breaks
celestial bodies in the sky – planets, stars, comets, galaxies, debris – float about.
Children will go to school,
lovers will fight and re-unite,
kitties and puppies will wait for us to return home,
battles will be fought and won, or lost.

Whatever happens there is a world within that permeates and animates,
an inner divinity that knows no separation.

So, with a nod to the Sacred,
I’ll get up this morning with love in my heart,
brush teeth,
drink tea,
quiet the mind in silent devotion
and go to work in a building surrounded by dandelions.

“It is only through samsara that we find nirvana.” – Adyashanti quoting his teacher

Daisies

 

Painting by Andrew Atroshenko

Daises bloom
   but I am alone –
not really, but yes,
Alone

In God, Spirit, rays of sunshine I am cloaked
comforted by a blanket
   of stars, summer breezes and frozen push pops

To see me now
all grown up
   yet free-spirited  &  wild
Tame, but only momentarily –
only as the sun rises and just before the day grows long

I long for freedoms
   known within
glimpsed: a gypsy in the night
sacred, cool, mystical
a ghost-like apparition
   of love and seductive violins

In my dreams I dance, coin scarf on my hips
In other tongues I speak a throaty French
a dapper English
maybe even the language of flowers

Holding back has been my crutch
for a broken leg I never had
It was a way to fend off child taunts
and cruel people

But alas, I am a woman now
and the internal Editor has just been fired

My cats know me best, but not solely for long…

for tonight I’m dancing naked under a full moon
a goddess and her crown of
Daises