I Am Home (I wrote a book!)

Life is a grand adventure.  When we wake up in the morning, none of us know what’s going to happen.  None of us – even the most self-controlled – can make the day go just as we planned.  (Dang it!)  Yet, how wonderful that’s the case!  If everything went the way that I thought it should have, I wouldn’t have wound up here.  I wouldn’t know how to live the peace that comes from just being.

This life that I call mine has been so bumpy, so confusing, so loud that I had to create a map to get through it.  My parents were so wonderfully open-minded that it was largely up to me to find my way.  The easy side of that is there wasn’t much dogma to overcome.  The difficult side of that is I had to figure it out.  Fortunately, I’ve had a lot of unexpected help from Spirit.  And though there were times I didn’t want to be here anymore, I am certain that I have never been alone.

The map that Spirit and I created together is my very first book, I Am Home.  It’s the story of how things went wrong and how things went right.  It contains the essence of the spiritual paths and teachings that I’ve studied over the past 20 years.  My intent is that it serves as a signpost pointing each reader in their next right direction as they see it.

I wrote this book for every person that ever felt like they didn’t fit in.  It’s for every person that feels like there’s something more here they can’t quite reach, but knows is there.  I wrote this with the hope that I would get to meet more of “my people” – those curious, loving, compassionate, adventurous souls that love life and want to interact with it authentically.  I wrote it for everyone that ever wanted to make our world better.

Perhaps you would like to join me on my adventure?  If so,  I Am Home is now available for pre-order at the discounted price of $2.99 on Kindle at Amazon.com.  It will become available at full price on July 15, 2020 in ebook and paperback formats.

I really hope that you enjoy my book and I would love to hear your feedback!  You can leave me a review on I Am Home’s Amazon page beginning on July 15th, or just reply to this post at any time.

Best wishes on your journey!  I look forward to hearing from you!

 

Desert Musing

Sometime ago when I wasn’t crying,
when the world as I knew it wasn’t falling apart,
I heard a voice say, “We are the champions, my friend.”

Okay, maybe it was actually the band Queen;
But aren’t we?

Like the heroes from stories and legends of time past,
we seek, we fall, we leave home for a new land of silence and insecurity.

We battle ourselves, lose ourselves, encounter darkness and demons of all kinds,
fall again and finally withdraw into stillness
to know that we are and to drink from the waters of life.

I have sought and Grace has provided genuine teachers and profound teachings for the journey home;
and still I reside in the desert.

Daybreak

Buildings, flowers,
rolling hills of green;
nighttime sweeps the hours
to a brilliant yellow morning

Eyes see me – sort of
Ears hear me – sort of

We are not our thoughts;
We are not our feelings, entrapments, dark holes or excuses.

Heaven, that vast oasis,
is never anywhere other than here.

As day breaks
celestial bodies in the sky – planets, stars, comets, galaxies, debris – float about.
Children will go to school,
lovers will fight and re-unite,
kitties and puppies will wait for us to return home,
battles will be fought and won, or lost.

Whatever happens there is a world within that permeates and animates,
an inner divinity that knows no separation.

So, with a nod to the Sacred,
I’ll get up this morning with love in my heart,
brush teeth,
drink tea,
quiet the mind in silent devotion
and go to work in a building surrounded by dandelions.

“It is only through samsara that we find nirvana.” – Adyashanti quoting his teacher

Daisies

 

Painting by Andrew Atroshenko

---

Daises bloom

   but I am alone –

not really, but yes,

Alone

In God, Spirit, rays of sunshine I am cloaked

comforted by a blanket

   of stars, summer breezes and frozen push pops

To see me now

all grown up

   yet free-spirited  &  wild

Tame, but only momentarily –

only as the sun rises and just before the day grows long

I long for freedoms

   known within

glimpsed: a gypsy in the night

sacred, cool, mystical

a ghost-like apparition

   of love and seductive violins

In my dreams I dance, coin scarf on my hips

In other tongues I speak a throaty French

a dapper English

maybe even the language of flowers

Holding back has been my crutch

for a broken leg I never had

It was a way to fend off child taunts

and cruel people

But alas, I am a woman now

and the internal Editor has just been fired

My cats know me best, but not solely for long…

for tonight I’m dancing naked under a full moon

a goddess and her crown of

Daises

 

Solo Desert Camping, Insomnia & Me

12 noon – “Oh my God!  This is so awesome!  I’m backpacking by myself into the desert [Big Dominguez Canyon in Colorado]. Go me!”

4:00 pm – “I can so do this!  I can’t wait to see the stars.”

6:00 pm – “I think canned tuna sounds good for dinner.  I’m so smart, I even brought a tiny manual can opener from REI.”

9:00 pm – “It’s getting dark, but this is gonna be awe-some.  I’m alone and I can do this. I think I’ll go to bed.”

11:00 pm – “Umm, it’s really dark outside.  Why the f*ck did I eat tuna for dinner?  Don’t I know that cougars live here and cats eat tuna?”

1:00 am – “F*ck it all.  I can’t sleep.  I really want to see the stars, but now I’m terrified.  There’s probably a big cat outside my tent waiting to eat me.  And then I’ll die and my parents will be mad at me for being in the wild by myself.”

Despite my downward fear spiral, I was determined to make it out of my tent and see those celestial bodies.  I’ve always felt at Home when I look at the night sky and now that I was as far as I’d ever been from civilization, it was time.

So, in order to exit the tent in complete safety I decided to gear up:  I put my headlamp on high beam (determined to stun the cat), held the mace my mom once gave me for running in my right hand (we’re an “always prepared” bunch as you can tell), an open pocket knife in my left hand and REI’s Tri-Power Safety Whistle in my mouth – I was ready.

It dawns on me now that this is a moment of my history that should perhaps remain a silent part of history, but then again where would we be if we hid these fabulously awkward parts of ourselves?  No where fun.

Be brave.

I slowly unzipped my tent, listened, unzipped it some more and listened some more.  I heard the sound of rushing water from a nearby river, the sweet chirping of thousands of insects and the oceanic hush of tall grass blowing in the breeze.  My heart still racing, I stepped out one foot and then the other.  Turned off my headlamp. Closed my eyes. Listened. Breathed… and realized I really had to pee.

With bathroom needs taken care of, the blithe Cottonwood tree next to my tent proved as comforting and reassuring a friend as any.  I leaned against it’s weather-worn trunk (still hoping there wasn’t a cat in the branches) and slowed my breathing until I joined the world that I had been visiting.

The water’s not so bad once you get in.

So much happened that night. But mostly:  I talked to God… and God talked back.

In the suburbs I had largely forgotten how to listen.  How to connect authentically with life for that matter.  There was a professional version of me and then there was this giant kid inside that watches Ever After over and over, and wants to go to Harry Potter Land.  I had felt separate save for a few dear friends and family that “get me”.  Yet we are not alone; we are never alone.

I found a piece of me that night.  The piece that says “I’m [God in me is] awesome and it’s time to play!”

Books like Wild, Packing Light and  Gifts of the Wild inspired my adventure and I owe their authors deep gratitude for lighting the way.

My tent and the tree that watched over me:

What I found when I got up the next morning:

Thank God for such a beautiful, safe night of insomnia alone in the desert.  Life is awesome. We are all awesome.